Crumble
by Vicky-V
Summary: It's okay for her to fall apart. He'll help her back up afterwards. MerlinxMorgana.


**Pairing:** MerlinxMorgana

**Word Count:** 1,995

**Notes:** This is based on what we were told concerning Morgana's character during season 2 at the London MCM Expo Merlin Panel in May. I'm not sure if this would be spoiler-y as it's hypothetical, but it's something to perhaps keep in mind.

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing in connection with BBC's Merlin, nor do I make any money writing this fanfiction.

xxx

**Crumble**

She's breaking apart and he doesn't know why nobody else can see it. He wants to scream at them, grab them so tightly their bones break underneath his fingers as he shakes them until their teeth rattle and fall from their mouths. He wants to rip their eyes right out of their heads and replace them with his own so they'll be able to _see._

But he doesn't. Instead Merlin keeps it all to himself and tries to keep his face in order as he ducks around chairs to refill Arthur's goblet. He steals a glance at Morgana sat on the king's left side. She smiles in that way which makes everyone else happy and there's a flash of white teeth when she laughs. There's something about her whole presence which is regal, elegant and so much more but Merlin doesn't really know what.

Morgana wears a dress of blue and gold which dips down and pushes her chest up to draw the eye down and away. Away from the shadows under her eyes which she has hidden as best she can with all the powders at her disposal. Behind her smile he can see the cracks appearing.

She hasn't been sleeping well recently. Gaius mixes sleeping draughts for her almost every day and they do work. But then the nightmares come and rip her into consciousness again along with screams, tears and uncontrollable shudders. Before she emerges from her chambers again the next morning, Morgana composes herself to keep it from all the eyes which will see her that day. But somehow Merlin is able to see through all the veils she drapes over herself. All those walls she builds around herself to keep everything hidden. When she goes to Gaius, Merlin hears the hurried whispers as she begs him not to pass word on to Uther. Merlin knows things would only be worse if he knew. He cares for her and if he knew Gaius' draughts weren't working Merlin hates to think of what will result. It's bad enough watching the creases in Gaius' face deepening and his frustration growing as he tries without success to find a way of giving Morgana one full night of undisturbed sleep.

It's taking its toll on Gwen as well. She also has those dark shadows underneath her eyes and Merlin has seen her pressing the back of her hand against her mouth to hide a yawn more than once. He knows Gwen stays with her a lot and soothes Morgana into sleep when she fears what twisted visions she might discover behind her closed eyes. When Morgana wakes up with fear biting at her chest and squeezing at her throat in an attempt to suffocate her, Gwen is always there to pull her back from the nightmare she's still in. Sometimes it's as though Morgana doesn't realise she's awake. When Gwen's arms go around her, sometimes Morgana screams and struggles. Merlin has glimpsed the fading marks on Gwen's arms left by Morgana's nails and a furious but brief struggle.

The evening drags but at the same time Merlin doesn't notice. He attends to Arthur when needed, mostly to refill his drink, and then spends the rest of the time moving between guests and other servants, often staying near Gaius. All the while he keeps an eye on Morgana and keeps wanting to scream until his lungs shred themselves into nothing because he doesn't understand why nobody but Gwen and himself can see how much she suffers.

He accompanies Arthur back to his chambers when things finally come to an end. In his dull thoughts, Merlin realises he can't immediately remember what the celebration was for but doesn't dwell on it at all. Merlin assists Arthur in undressing and is then told that he can leave. Merlin seemed off all evening, or so was Arthur's opinion, and so he was sent with orders to sleep and snap himself out of it.

Merlin smiles as he thanks Arthur, but it doesn't feel genuine. It isn't. It's to try and pretend things are fine. They aren't.

He would love to go straight back to his small bed, fall into it and sleep until the end of time and beyond. But instead he takes another turning, keeping in the shadows as he goes because somehow it feels better that way. He doesn't pass anybody on the way and even if he did Merlin doubts they would know he shouldn't be around there at that time of night. But still he keeps to the shadows.

As he nears Morgana's chambers, he passes Gwen. She still holds herself up, fierce and loyal to her mistress, but Merlin can see exhaustion taking its toll on her body. She's been sent away as Merlin was, to get the sleep she needs because Morgana doesn't think it would be fair to make her suffer as well. Gwen tells him about it, looking longingly back to the closed door as she does, and Merlin sees the tears spring to her eyes. They don't spill but he wishes they would. Perhaps it would make her feel better afterwards and able to keep moving.

Merlin takes her hand and squeezes it gently as he tells her she should get some sleep. Things would be fine, he promised. Somehow.

Gwen smiles and squeezes his hand in return. The smile doesn't last very long before it falls heavily but Merlin gets the feeling she believes him. Even if she doesn't know how things can ever be fine. But Merlin has said so, so perhaps now it will be.

Merlin waits for her to turn the corner and then for the sound of her footsteps to completely vanish before he goes to Morgana's door and knocks gently. There's no reply. Instead of knocking again, like he suspects he should, he opens it and slips inside as quietly as he can.

Morgana is still awake and standing. She's in her long nightdress with a fur wrapped around her shoulders to keep out the chill. In the darkness, Merlin can see how pale her face is as she stares at him with wide eyes and slightly parted lips. Her hair hangs loose and Merlin notices how tightly she clutches at the fur around her shoulders.

Those cracks in the walls, those tears in the veils are even bigger now. So large and ragged she may as well be completely exposed. She's ripped apart, bleeding and screaming, and trying to hide it all behind a determined set to her jaw and a proud holding of her shoulders.

When she asks what he's doing, why he's there, Merlin somehow ends up with his arms around her shoulders. He feels awkward as he does it and is suddenly very aware of the differences between them and that sometimes it's improper for him to even cast eyes upon her. But she's clinging to him, wrapping her fingers around both his jacket and his shirt so tightly he thinks she'll rip them and doesn't care if she does. Morgana pushes her face into his neck and tells him with a quiver in her voice that she's so scared.

Merlin feels a tear touch his skin and then Morgana falls apart in his arms. He supports her and keeps her upright until somehow he's able to guide her to her bed and sit gently down. She keeps her tight grip on him and seems afraid to let go, as though he's the only one there able to keep away those shadows creeping around her, waiting until her eyes close and her body gives in to sleep. Merlin holds her tightly with one arm around her shoulders and another around her waist because she's shaking so hard he fears she may actually fall apart and he doesn't know if he'd be able to fix her.

He runs his fingers through her hair, tentatively because there's still something inside him which isn't sure about touching her like that. Merlin squeezes her shoulders and keeps trying to speak but whenever he attempts it the words just catch in his throat. Morgana cries into him and tries to tell him about the overwhelming fear which is always wrapped around her so tightly it's suffocating her, drowning her in front of everybody. And she wants to scream out for help but it won't let her because it _has_ her and will only let her suffer alone. Merlin hates that fear because of what it is and what it does. The Morgana shaking and crying and pushing her face into his chest to muffle her screams isn't what he recognises. The Morgana he first saw was so proud and beautiful and flawless and so good to everyone. He wonders if that fear was there back then and if she even knew it. It probably was there, hiding, stalking in the shadows, waiting to leap out and consume her and cause her to fall down and down and down while others saw her still on her feet.

This is her coin. One side shines because it's always new and has such carefully made beauty upon it. The other side is scratched and scarred and burned so much it's unrecognisable as part of the same thing.

Somehow Merlin is finally able to force words from his throat, even though he thinks they're ones Morgana has heard before from Gwen. He also tells her what he told Gwen not too long ago. That everything would be okay. He promised her and intended to keep it. As he made the promise to Morgana, he made one to himself as well. Somehow he would find a way to help her and find a way for her to help herself too because he thinks that's the way she would like it. He needs to find a way to pull her from those shadows and banish them away to where they'll never be able to touch her ever again. He needs to find a way for her to fight it.

Merlin has promised her, so needs for it to happen. He _will_ make it happen.

Talking gets easier once he finally starts. He keeps telling her that things are okay as he strokes her hair and realises he's rocking her gently and slightly back and forth. Morgana pulls herself back, enough for her face to come out from where it was pushed against his chest and her nose presses against his chin. Merlin doesn't know why he does it, but he dips his head down and their lips touch briefly before he suddenly realises what he's done and pulls away.

This isn't how he planned for things to happen with Morgana. Merlin didn't even _have_ plans for anything which might happen concerning him and Morgana. It didn't seem appropriate to make them.

As he rises his head back up again and away, Morgana reaches out quickly and a look of desperation streaks across her face. She yanks him back and although it's a short distance it makes his head rush and the room briefly spin around him. Morgana pulls him back and their lips are joined again. For a moment Merlin is numb and then the feeling in his body rushes back again. His heart is racing, his mind is spinning with thoughts but he doesn't know what any of them are, his hand feel awkward where they rest and his whole life is coming from the feeling of Morgana kissing him. When he moves to kiss her back, the resolve of the silent promises he's made grows stronger.

Morgana barely sleeps again that night. She wraps herself around Merlin, pushes her arms around his waist and then around his neck. Sometimes her kisses are fierce and frightened and she bites his lips. Sometimes they're gentle, tired, soothing and apologetic. Whatever they are, Merlin accepts them. He tells her its okay for her to fall apart. He'll help her back up afterwards.

_**END**_


End file.
